Lessons from my mother
My mother and her mother.
It was from my mid-20s onwards when I started to explore my relationship with the women in my life, and the idea of womanhood itself. (In 30 life lessons from turning 30 the last ten are specifically around this experience). So this idea of women’s intuition, wisdom… whatever you would like to call it, became very real for me as I started to come into my own as a young woman.
My mother and I are alike and yet different in so many ways. To start with, she was born and raised in Pakistan and I in London, so already we had different perspectives from the get-go. If I am somewhat ‘clairvoyant’ as my husband puts it (that’s an exaggerated label; he once playfully said this because I’m emotional, super sensitive to energies and my gut feeling is... well… nearly always correct :/) then my mother is the Oracle.
In the classic cliche fashion, everything my mother said turned out to be true, even though I didn’t believe it, care for it or understood it at the time. Some things may not have been relevant as we are different in many ways, but so much else unfolded exactly how she said it would.
Now as I embark on becoming a mother myself, I was thinking which life lessons I would want to ensure my child learns. Then in turn that led me to reflect which life lessons I have taken away from my mother.
There are many that's for sure. But this following list is an unusual one; it's not the commonly heard advice you may have often been told. Nor does it cover all the nurturing, loving, supportive advice she gave me over the years or that you might often hear from mothers. But instead, this list has a unique focus; that around how someone who means well, is authentic and genuine, can navigate themselves in a world which is often filled with in-authentic people and unpredictable circumstances...
1. Don’t keep changing your mind
...Because you can make things worse by constantly going backwards and forwards. If you have an indecisive streak, constantly changing your mind about something will drain your energy and prohibit things from unfolding so you’re constantly stuck in limbo.
At the time of making the decision, make it well, be as informed as you can be and then listen to your heart. But once you’ve made it, unless there’s any real reason to change gears, stick to it and follow through. That’s obviously not to say when you discover something is wrong don’t correct it. But more for situations you are uncertain about, where there might not be a clear right or wrong and hence why they are difficult to make in the first place.
Sometimes it takes time to learn if it was the right or wrong decision, and when you discover this, the preferred course of action is take the consequences and do your best to make them work in your favour, instead of trying to go back to the beginning, starting from ground zero again and potentially making things worse in the process of attempting to go back to the start.
2. Don’t get too involved in other people’s conflict
Let’s say your friend told you they’re annoyed with their partner. They will spend hours talking to you about it, how they feel and what their partner did wrong. As their friend, you supportively listen and advise. But your friend has now influenced the way you see their partner. Which means when a new conversation arises between you two, it's likely you will defend your friend and by default may indirectly attack their partner. In your eyes you’re being protective over your friend, going by exactly what they’ve done and said. But from your friend’s point of view, you're now simply attacking their partner, regardless of how many issues they themselves have disclosed to you about their partner.
People will be quick to say what they want in the moment, but if you repeat the very things they said right back to them (even word-for-word) they will be quick to judge and shoot you down for saying it. As the conflict is to do with them, it’s ok for them to say what they want. But some people will not tolerate being told back the very things they themselves have said.
Additionally, let's say two people you know / love and care about have had an argument. They speak to you endlessly about the argument and you’re worried for them and go to great lengths to support them, only to later discover they resolved it and have moved on whilst leaving you hanging dry.
I’m pretty sure we’ve all experienced and seen this countless times; people say one thing at one moment in time and we believe them, only for that same person to act completely differently in another situation.
When it comes to sensitive issues with loved ones, it’s always important to be there, to listen and support. But you can do this without getting so involved in their conflict, giving your opinion and advice which may end up offending them after they’ve resolved their issues.
What’s more, most people are just looking to blow off steam about their predicament, not for an actual resolution. Even if you share one, do so tactfully so they see you as supporting them not dictating them.
3. Be selective with giving compliments
This was an interesting one for me. At first I didn’t quite agree with it, being young, naive and assuming people surely must mean well for me as I do for them, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with complimenting things that made an impression on me.
However, as per usual over time I learned exactly what my mother meant. If a person has a bad / questionable character and you keep complimenting them, they will take it as reinforcement of their already existing superiority, thinking little of you in the process as the person who is praising them.
Other times if you give throw-away compliments just to make conversation or build a relationship, the person of bad character will just presume you’ve never been in the position of owning or experiencing whatever it is you’re complimenting and again, thinking high of themselves and lowly of you. And in all fairness, in this scenario you’re doing yourself a disservice because if you genuinely didn’t find anything impressive, you shouldn’t be complimenting anything because you need to keep your communication true and authentic to who you are.
Now of course this isn’t always the case. It’s not that you shouldn’t compliment at all. But instead trust your instincts on who to compliment, not give throw-away compliments simply out of politeness or exaggeration.
To further reinforce this principle is Hazrat Ali’s quote, which I absolutely love and perfectly captures the essence of this perhaps seemingly questionable advice:
If you want to test someone’s character,
give him respect.
If he has good character,
he will respect you more.
If he has bad character,
he will think he is the best of all.
4. Be selective with admitting mistakes
I don’t have an ego trip. I have an ego to protect me to ensure I don’t put my hand on the stove and I have safety precautions as I go about my day. But I have never had any qualms about admitting my mistakes and taking accountability in front of anyone. Whilst I still believe there is a lot of power in being open to your mistakes and more of us need to be strong enough to show our vulnerability, there are some things which are unnecessary to highlight and can make you come across as a passive pushover as opposed to someone who's being genuine and honest. Even though being the latter might have been your initial objective, sometimes consistently admitting mistakes just keeps digging you into a black hole and reinforcing the messy situation that transpired in the first place, as opposed to looking for a solution and moving on.
5. Show people how to see and treat you
My mother once told me that sometimes, especially when it comes to the smallest of things, people don’t even notice them until you draw attention to it. It seems like a big deal to you because they’re your complexes, it’s your perspective, but other people don’t see and experience things the way you do. You might think mentioning you put too much salt in your dish might mitigate the embarrassment you feel when people sit down to eat it. And sometimes that’s true. But other times you might be surprised to learn that other people either didn’t care, notice or would be polite enough to stay quiet even if they did think there was too much salt. So why bother bringing attention to it, just wait for someone else to bring it up… if they do at all.
6. Don’t give lengthy responses or justifications
I used to be terrible at this one.
The longer your response, the more you explain, the more likely it is that less people may think of you. You might have a really good reason, I’ve certainly had my moments of wanting to break things down and explain my rationale to someone so they understand me better. But firstly, not only do people have a very short attention span to follow your trail of thought, but secondly by the time you get to the end, most people will either not care, get wound up themselves or not know how to respond.
Try to keep things to the point and where possible, try to avoid lengthy explanations where it's not necessary or the situation isn't actually that important enough. This mostly applies to formal relationships. Whilst it still should be applied to personal and intimate relationships, where matters of the heart are concerned it’s more debatable.
7. Don't promote your good fortune, but absolutely share it
When it comes to your future plans, there's no need to announce what you're planning to do until you've actually done it. And even then be mindful of how much you promote it (should it even be necessary to do so).
Aside from not knowing how someone may pass judgement, or even how you might unintentionally be making them feel bad or smug about their own situation in comparison to yours, you’ll be very surprised at how few well wishers there are. And that even goes for people who mean well because at the end of the day it’s human nature to want to be and have more.
You must absolutely use your good fortune to help other people, but even that can be done without it being advertised. When you repeatedly and openly share things which aren’t necessary (and let’s be honest, most of the time it is not. We do so for our own benefit so we feel good about the recognition we get) you can dilute the joy and sacredness of good fortune. You know that empty feeling you might sometimes get even after having received good fortune? Yes that.
8. Enjoy things without getting attached to them
Yes this is possible. I know because (dare I say) I have reached this stage; or at least some part of it. My mother once said to me ‘Anam, it’s hard for me to explain but you just need something to click in you and then the way you relate to things will change’. And this was during my eventful teen years.
It’s human nature to need your surroundings to validate who you are. We are all raised to be the by-product of our surroundings initially, that is inevitable as we are born dependent. However, that is not how it has to remain. You absolutely can be independent of your surroundings and travel from different circumstances, to different social settings, to different stages of your life without it affecting who you are and what you are worth.
My mother was right though, there is no systematic way to get to this state, nor can you just do a few things to start being a certain way. It’s a process, and not a predetermined one so it will vary from person to person.
But one thing is for certain, when you get to that point it truly is liberating. It’s like you no longer need anything to make you feel good, worthy and valuable. That’s not to say you won’t still experience the emotions, but you develop a different relationship with them. Almost a Buddhist-esque relationship where you can let go shortly after you’ve felt it and keep moving beyond that space.
Another beautiful quote to summarise this point:
Detachment is not that you should own nothing,
but nothing should own you.
- Imam Ali
9. Don’t compare yourself to anything or anyone
There are certain things in your life you didn’t choose for yourself; they were given to you by fate, God, the universe or whatever it is you believe in. If you have no control over the things you are unhappy about and no influence on changing it, then there’s really no need for you to beat yourself up about it. You didn’t choose it for yourself, it’s a hand you’ve been dealt which you must learn how to play well. There is nothing wrong with admiring or yearning for something different, and of course you should work to pursue the things you want. However, amidst your pursuit, you shouldn’t ever degrade or under appreciate what it is you do have and where you are. Like the previous point about enjoying things without getting attached to them, there isn’t a systematic way to get to this stage but is totally worth committing to getting there at some point.
Without meaning to lay on the cliches…
Life isn’t about things being constant or reaching any destination. Nor is it about always being balanced. But instead, about redirecting and re-balancing every time you go off track. Meaning, you won’t always be able to live out good advice consistently or be one kind of person constantly, nor should you pressurize yourself to do so, but instead it’s about knowing the difference between what your true nature is, which is not changeable, but then accepting and leveraging it. And then knowing everything else around it is a by-product of your environment which can be changed and will often wax and wane with the times.
My nan
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