Lessons from 2023 and the year in pictures
Back in Oct 2022, I had a moment when I said to myself “2023 is going to be a tough year”. I knew instinctively. I knew of some upcoming engagements which would make it somewhat challenging, and then beyond that it was my heart telling me we’re going to be in for a tough ride. And I’ve never before thought that way about any year; every year has its peaks and troughs which I’m always ready to ride out, but I knew 2023 was going to be different. And it did not disappoint. Not even Geo-politically either might I add.
All that aside, the single most important highlight of the year and my biggest blessing, was the birth of my second son, Laith Rumi Anver. This little beacon of light was born amidst - what I would personally call - a lot of chaos.
I had to think twice about whether I wanted to share these realisations, well… because they’re a bit distasteful and depressing. But if we are to be true, then there is no shying away from the good and bad parts of human nature.
So, for anyone who may lend me their ear, let's begin…
Respect needs to be earned and given sparingly, regardless of your position and age
Whilst the value of respecting your elders is certainly right and noble, we’ve all come across God awful elderly people. And they are not awful because they have aged or due to some ailment which would be understandable, those people do still deserve to be respected. But they have always been awful due to their bad character.
Inversely, you might think boys and girls of a certain age are naive and as their elder it’s your job to forgive and forget. But there are many young people who have the mind of a calculated elder due to the upbringing and intentional shaping of character by their parents.
Flat out forgiving people under the guise of ‘well they’re much younger than me and don’t know better’ and forcing respect due to people ‘being my elders’ is just another method to keep people small and powerless. I’m certainly not advocating disrespect or chipping away at relationships, but nothing should ever be expected without proper assessment of the situation at hand.
2. People don’t change
I’ve always been hopeful about human nature. The male executive of Ted Baker once told me people don’t change and I didn’t agree with him then. And to be fair, I still don’t; people can change their habits, behaviors, and demeanours. People can evolve and grow through life lessons and experiences.
However, what people can’t do is change their inherent nature, even if they wanted to (though I do believe you can manage and direct it accordingly). Differentiating between habits and nature is a separate conversation as well as determining the fine line between what you should and should not endure. But nature aside, many people are not inclined to alter their behavior and habits either. Take what you see at face value and be cautious with going by potential.
3. “Good relationships are good from the start and not something you achieve through effort”
Saima Mir wrote a fantastic article about her experience as a Muslim woman who divorced twice. I will never forget her quote “contrary to cultural expectations good relationships are good from the start and not something you achieve through effort” because I, like many others, are all too familiar with constantly being told how relationships are about compromise, sacrifice, changing yourself etc. And I do think there is truth in this; there are plenty of people who throw in the towel out of stubbornness and selfishness.
However, just as we’ve established that people's nature can’t change but their external factors can, you can’t magically transform a destructive relationship with hard work. Connection should initially be effortless; connecting with friends, lovers, colleagues, strangers. Building on connection is what requires hard work and compromise but you can’t create connection itself through hard work. You can work hard to identify it and unravel it, but it’s either there or it isn’t.
4. Repeating yourself makes you come across badly
…and it doesn’t matter how important or how consequential what you are saying is. You say something once, twice, three times and then maybe there is some action… Eventually. Other times you may find yourself saying the same thing over and over and over…and over, again, to the point when the ‘saying’ turns into ‘demanding’ out of anger because nothing is happening. We’ve all been in this situation with friends, family, colleagues and even strangers.
If the people/s haven’t taken your request seriously the first few times, your constant repetition will have them switch off entirely and start to undermine the importance of what you are requesting leaving you to pretty much talk to yourself. And at some point this could spiral and compound so you end up very far from what you initially set out to do.
Unfortunately, when something quite important is at stake, giving up can have consequences (hence the constant repetition turning into demands or anger). But if you've ended up this far already with no action, chances are you always would have had to find an alternative solution and / or take action yourself.
5. Always prepare to pivot from your expectations
Many times expectations are deemed to be the problem in the first place, but without expectations we will be living a stagnant, soulless life. I certainly don’t believe in always expecting the worst and living in dismay, but I do believe in preparing and becoming informed about the worst. The trick is to have expectations but not be wedded to them; go in hopeful but prepared to pivot.
6. Transparency is not (always) the best policy
There are a lot of people who are adept at lying, misleading and being calculated. If you aren't one of those people (like me) it can take a while for you to learn how to navigate this, let alone a while to digest that there are people like that in the first place, and how many of these are actually very close to home.
Whilst you might go in with an open heart ready to build long lasting, truthful relationships, they are walking in guarded with an agenda. As such, it’s wise to be authentic and honest, but selective and brief.
7. Sometimes you have to stoop to their level
Ah this is a tough one because you don’t want to become what you are resenting. But sometimes taking the higher ground just doesn’t cut it. On occasion we also need to get across that we will not be railroaded in a language they understand however, you can still maintain decorum and act with heart, whilst reciprocating someone else’s poor behaviour.
8. Have no regret about what you have said or done
If you say something that was true to how you felt at that point in time, own it. It was probably necessary. And as a great quote I came across says ‘anything you lose by speaking your truth isn’t a loss. It’s an alignment’.
9. Not all close relationships are deserving of a relation
Whilst I was raised to maintain ties and sustain relationships to keep people together, it’s fair to say we’re living in different times where self-interest is prioritsed over friendship and familial ties. Sometimes regardless of your relationship with someone, you do have to take a step back and keep respectful, but distant.
10. Killing off (some) formalities is worth it
The annual ‘happy birthdays’, the ‘are you ok’ check-ins only when you’re unwell…what is the point when it’s someone who clearly never had any vested interest in building a relationship with you in the first place. Sometimes my close friends and I only end up messaging each other once every three months. But the difference is we’ve spent many years together building a mutual friendship to now be able to have a mutual understanding that we may be occupied with our lives. But if from the outset you have scarce interaction, it’s probably not worth sustaining it.
….So there you have it. Pretty down beat I know. But most of my epiphanies from 2023 have unfortunately been quite devastating ones; devastating to the degree of completely altering my relationship with those whom I trusted and thought I was building lifelong relationships with.
On the flipside of this comes agency; learning sooner rather than later how to protect your space and manage expectations.
Visual curation of 2023
Amidst it all is the quest of finding joy and gratitude in simpler pleasures. As such, whilst 2023 might’ve been a bit turbulent, there was still beauty to be discovered. Most of my photographic highlights are in my photo feed, but here are some curated favourites.
I hope you have a fabulous 2024!
Another life lesson or two…
