Finding closure through beauty
If you’ve ever looked into how to get closure, you’ll get a series of fairly predictable and unhelpful responses. Some steps we know but we may have outgrown and now need to know what to do next (ok I’ve accepted my emotions and even wrote them down, but now what?) Other steps we understand but they’re simply not impactful enough (...what do you mean believe in myself? I do believe in myself but I still feel awful). The truth is, a lot of the narrative around closure doesn’t hit the mark; it oversees a lot of the factors that are driving the need for closure and so naturally the suggested actions are transactional.
To paraphrase closure,
it’s an act of ‘finality’, accepting, letting go
and transitioning into the next phase.
At certain points in our lives we all find ourselves needing closure from whatever kind of experience. And at certain points in our lives we all find ourselves in situations where we won’t or can’t get it because it’s not in our hands, we need it from the opposing party and we have no control over whether they will oblige.
My situation wasn’t unique, there are countless like it, but it was traumatic enough to have taken six years for me to give myself closure. Even labelling it traumatic took a long time and a lot of courage because...well….you just feel stupid. People are being murdered, raped and politically oppressed all over the world - that’s traumatic.
But deep down I knew by thinking this way I was denying my own perspective. Yes, maybe other people will feel differently, maybe other people will react differently. Maybe this wasn’t a big deal and I’m making it a big deal. But this was my reaction, this was the impact it had on me. And as it transpired, belittling your own battles is indeed a sign of that battle having been traumatic for you. Go figure.
The feeling of stupidity further increases when every now and then you realise maybe you really should have gotten over this by now. Other people certainly seem to think so. But the truth is, you quickly learn if you’re in a situation where you had to provide closure to yourself, it won’t be something you could ever draw a line under. If something impacted you so deeply, deeply enough to change who you are and your life, everything that comes thereafter that experience will forever be tainted by that experience.
Especially if you’re more emotionally inclined as I am, your traumatic experience expands your repertoire of emotions taking you to new heights. It becomes a part of you; you can’t unlearn what you learned and if you want a healthy, fulfilling life, you shouldn’t be displacing or suppressing it either. You have no other choice than to ride it out as and when it arises, hopefully learning something new each time and blooming more beautifully than the last. Be it six years or 16 years later.
Closure, like most things, becomes a life-long practice. This is the difference between a bad experience - which we are eventually able to let go and get over so they become a memory - and a traumatic experience, something that will live within us because it shaped us. It was during this period that I learned a series of life-changing insights by 30 years old. This post doesn’t even come close to disclosing my realisations but it’s a good starting point.
Here I wanted to spend a few moments talking about an unpredictable way to practice and gain closure, whatever your situation may be. As the title suggests, it’s through beauty. A concept which is such a big part of my life, a concept that I believe has a transformative nature and the very thing that makes me stop walking...the reason why this blog exists.
To paraphrase beauty,
it’s seen to be a combination of qualities
that please the senses - with a particular emphasis on sight.
Not too dissimilar, aesthetics which is essentially the study of beauty, is seen to be a set of principles concerned with the nature and appreciation of beauty.
It’s important to define them so we’re on the same page. So we don’t assume that when we say ‘beauty’ we are referring to however the media or make-up industry refers to beauty. That’s one part of it sure, but that’s the entry level experience. The concept of beauty has deep roots and a higher purpose, theorised and celebrated by the greatest philosophers and psychologists. One of my favorite thinkers who writes for the New York Times, published an opinion piece called When Beauty Strikes which perfectly encapsulates exactly what beauty is and why it’s so important. I can’t do it any justice so you should go ahead and read it. It’s a quick and easy read. (He also gave an insightful and rather humorous talk here, and is the author of an intriguing book called The Road to Character.)
So if we were going to summarise what role beauty plays in closure, it would boil down to three things:
Feeling worthy
Feeling acknowledged
Feeling pleasure
The combination of the above creates a transitional movement within your body to reconnect you back to yourself. Feeling loved is implied in all three. It won’t take away your need to be seen and heard which by not getting closure strips away from you. But when practiced daily, it will help unfold a more authentic version of yourself, one which trusts itself completely and uses its life’s story in service to your higher purpose / love and truth.
Lets begin….
Feeling worthy through beauty
“Beauty, when you are in the presence of it, is a transforming influence, a little like royalty... It exerts real power and binds people together in their desire to experience a part of it.”
Beauty can have an unattainable reputation. People might think that physical beauty is blessed to a few, being able to indulge in beautiful places, enjoy luxurious surroundings are not for the masses. So often the idea of beauty can actually stir discomfort as if we need to be of a certain profile to access it. Either that or it's a pleasantry and not a necessity. I’d strongly argue that this way of thinking and feeling is conditioned because deep down we all know we are worthy; at some point in our lives we just stop listening to ourselves and start letting in all the external noise, all of which is trying to get your attention in order to validate itself. Your attention is powerful because without it none of that external stuff will exist. So it stands to reason where you place your attention shouldn’t be taken lightly.
It’s renowned that a lack of closure can lead to feeling unworthy; we feel we were unworthy of the truth and of reconciliation.
When my situation was unfolding, all I could think about was needing to feel something other than the host of negative feelings I was experiencing. With the way my personality was inclined, I was desperate to soak in life in attempt to flush out what was dying within me. So on one summer’s day I decided to head to St Pauls Cathedral. If you’re visiting London, I can’t recommend this enough. It’s not as high on the sight seeing list but from the inside it truly is a stunning monument, the kind that you might find in Barcelona or Rome. I wasn’t really expecting anything, other than perhaps the need to feel part of something much bigger. I remember sitting in front of the altar surrounded by other people who were contemplating the sheer beauty of the place, some even praying. I can’t say my toxic feelings disappeared but a surge of humility did wash over me.
Till this day there are a lot of emotions of that time that I can’t fully explain. Though I spent six years unpacking and making sense of them, they are ineffable; for some things language isn’t enough, no matter how well read or educated we may be, which is why beauty and love plays such a pivotal role in making us better people, better men, better women, better lovers. It’s why poetry and art exist; they help us convey the things we can’t say, the things we didn’t even know we needed to say and can make us feel our stories are valued and mean something. Even if no one else is around to validate them.
Where my situation was concerned, if it wasn’t for the refusal of reconciliation I would never have become aware of my own blind spots as a woman; I would never have realised that I was settling less from myself. By refusing to acknowledge how I was made to feel, I was forced to acknowledge how I was treated and made to feel. I was forced to acknowledge how I was treating myself up until that point in my life. By not getting any recognition from who I need it, I was forced to recognise myself. By not being able to understand or care for my story and my life, I was forced to understand and care for my own story and my own life. By disregarding my heart, I was forced to listen to mine. By ignoring me I was forced to notice myself for the very first time. By choosing to walk away from me silently, I was forced to walk towards myself gracefully.
St Pauls Cathedral taken on the very first iPhone back in 2014. Blurry and filtered. But still painstakingly beautiful. Suffice to say, I am no longer about that filter life…
Feeling acknowledged through beauty
“If we have a strong love of beauty, the most beautiful things become a part of ourselves.”
There aren’t things that should be left unsaid, a coward said that; they had nothing to say or weren't strong enough to say it. But that doesn't mean that the other person didn’t need to hear it. And that need isn't silly. Or unnecessary. Or childish. That need is a right. It's an act of acknowledgement that your heart was seen and respected, even if your reactions and feelings don't make sense to someone, saying the very things that you think are best left unsaid is acknowledging that that person is there. They are Human. They have a life. A heart. A purpose.
The refusal to acknowledge someone's feelings is what creates pain, not (just) the act itself. It's the inability to empathise that creates destructive relationships and perspectives. The deed itself isn't the issue, it's the lack of acknowledgment of the impact that the deed has had, it's the lack of accountability, courage and awareness that creates a need for closure.
The process of closure is the process of seeking acknowledgement from elsewhere since you didn't get it from the person who thought some things were best left unsaid or didn't have anything to say. It's the acknowledgment of knowing you matter. Your feelings matter. What happened to you matters. Your life matters. However big or small it may be. You matter. And there's not an ounce of truth in the feeling that you don't.
To be drawn to something beautiful, is our act of acknowledgement that we singled something out amongst a lot of noise. When we intentionally choose to see beauty, especially in things that aren’t considered to be so, we’re acknowledging the details that may be overlooked by many other people. This principle of crafting a unique perspective will translate into your everyday life; when you choose to see a situation differently, react differently, suggest a different kind of solution or direction, often your response might be met with confusion, intrigue or maybe even dismay. But if you don’t openly advocate for your emotions, your interpretations, your insight and ultimately your truth, you will never be able to teach someone how to see you, love you and value you.
A few years back I remember sitting opposite a friend in a cafe in Liverpool Street. And I remember in mid conversation I started to feel really scared and uneasy because this was the moment that I needed to say what I came here to say, something which I've never said out loud before, not even to myself. I could feel my throat clog up and I knew if I thought about this for a moment longer I might talk myself out of it or continue delaying it further which will make me feel even more nervous. And so in the next moment without thinking but still feeling scared, I blurted it out. And as soon as I did, everything in me shifted. It literally felt like a heavy blanket had been lifted from my body, I could suddenly breathe easier and felt lighter. And as soon as I said that, something in his face shifted. I notice this shift in men who aren't aware of themselves and especially with a guy like him who is always caught up in his own head, it doesn't happen often. It's this shift which was an act of acknowledgement. This was when I saw him step outside his own head and acknowledge what I had to say and actually care about it.
That flicker didn't last long, nor can I remember what he said next. I can't remember what happened next. But I remember my new found relief and elation gave me the courage to elaborate. I remember he became softer towards me. Within his own capacity he tried to be different towards me. He would say that I was overly sensitive and that he would have to be more mindful towards me than he is with other female friends, as if to flag up that I'm overreacting and I should man up. Where before I would have closed up and taken it upon myself to become stronger thinking when guys say stuff like this, they're right, women are too sensitive and I do need to man up. This time round I said “good. Then be more mindful towards me then”. This was the first real step I took towards respecting and acting on my own feelings.
I walked away feeling pretty close to cleansed, baptised, born again - whatever you want to call it. I walked away feeling excited. I couldn't believe I was feeling this way. It was a mini epiphany. And this further gave me the courage to voice my truth in multiple other situations thereafter.
It’s not necessary to voice your truth out loud to someone, but I learned that it is necessary to voice them to yourself. After all, if you don’t take the first step to acknowledge yourself and all that matters to you, how can you expect to get acknowledgement from someone else?
Feeling pleasure through beauty
“Delectation [is] the surge of delight and joy we feel when we experience beauty. We are taken beyond the dullness of habit and daily familiarity.”
We can have a tendency to block the aftermath of bad experiences within us. We don’t want to think about it or feel about it. Unfortunately this doesn’t mean your body then stops processing it, it just means it starts processing it without your direction, which it desperately needs because without your conscious input it can translate into creating / reinforcing destructive beliefs, repeated bad experiences and poor health.
It was the emotions from my experience that showed me how to be, feel and push through to this state of Limitlessness. Everything that I thought I couldn't be, do, have or change… I did. And then some. I was introduced to my cyclical nature, my extreme highs and lows and I learned that these peaks and troughs weren't dangerous like I used to think they were. But instead, they were callings trying to tell me something. I learned how to be a Lover, how to embrace my endlessness, my curves, my lines, my complexities, I learned how to be a woman, how to love every part of myself, how to keep going even if I felt like stopping and how to get to the other side without wavering, no matter how fickle and self destructive my emotions would be.
Over the years the role of that darkness that used to creep up within me, in my chest, in my throat, changed. My relationship with it transformed as it became a reminder to take a breather and reconnect with my heart, as opposed to a reminder of how I was made to feel.
We’re all afraid to take ownership of our dark sides because we think that will end up defining us. Maybe we think if we are open about our shortcomings people will only see us in that way hence why we’re all driven to only show our best selves and on the days we’re not feeling our best, we’re driven to show whatever wall we can quickly build.
Beauty can start making us aware of our senses; whether you’re watching a movie, in the middle of eating, listening to music or can smell freshly baked bread. I started to pay attention to my physical sensations, I became acquainted with bodily pleasure, be it enjoying the way the sun feels to the way I caress my own neck, I learned how to start and nurture my relationship with myself.
I realised why the idea that our bodies are borrowed exists. We are more than that. The life that we are simply resides within it; our bodies are vehicles that help us express who we are but we are just as limited as we are liberated by it. Because people are more than what they can do. This alongside my trauma completely changed my relationship with my body. I could feel my whole day in my body. And I fully realised why people say be kind to yourself and why it's important to value yourself, you're carrying your History and it’s up to you to make of it what you will.
Beauty makes us feel good. Even if it is momentarily. The surge of pleasure we feel can uplift our spirits, inspire & motivate us and in the process make us feel we are part of something transcendent.
Beyond ego
“To be aware of your senses and express them is an act of devotion, of loving self care. And this changes the way you live.”
It's by not having closure do we learn how to let go and trust ourselves. It's by not having closure do we learn how to trust an unseen force that's holding the world together. It's by not having closure do we learn how to dissolve our ego.
And this closure refers to big and small things. It’s when someone doesn't respond to your message after a first date and phases out, to when the person doesn't respond to your message after six months of dating and phases out. It refers to when the person ignores your email from work to when the person ignores all the work you've done for the company.
Different things matter to different people.
And it's when this closure is refused to us, in any shape or form in any aspect of our lives, do our realisations surface, do we find out who we are and get presented with the opportunity to learn how to transcend who we are and all that we thought was limiting us. We can either take that opportunity or walk away from it.
There are numerous steps to closure and not all will resonate with everyone. Regardless of what path you take, fundamentally it’s about returning to yourself. Up until that point you see yourself through other people’s eyes, through the eyes of the situation that drove you to need closure.
The way back home isn’t through the intellectual. Though it’s important to reposition your memories and change the stories you tell yourself, ultimately you can’t think yourself to closure. Closure is an emotion which you have to feel yourself to, which is why experiencing anything that you find beautiful can be such a powerful starting point as it can help ground you back into your senses, help you discern your preferences and ultimately help you take back your own life as you choose to interact with whatever it is that you think is beautiful on your own terms.
If we have the capacity to feel beauty and pleasure, then it stands to reason that our life must be worthwhile. Even if at some point something or someone made us feel otherwise.
When you find yourself and learn to accept and rejoice within yourself, you no longer care about being better or worse than anybody else. Everything stops being about power and everything starts being about purpose. Or if you’re anything like I am… everything starts being about a higher kind of love.
Ax
Another life lesson or two…
