Lessons to my children
It has been said too much choice can confuse people and not enable them to be decisive. However, children, for the most part, are different from adults in their decision-making. They have little inhibition, they're not wedded to presupposed ideas and their beliefs haven't yet fully formulated about what's desirable and what isn't. Which means they're more likely to pursue what they like and what they think is right for them, as opposed to what they think they need to like according to what other people think.
For this reason, it's important to expose your child to as many options as possible to inspire and enable them to formulate opinions and decisions about what they like and what they don't from a very young age before they start adopting other people's beliefs.
Most of these below suggestions, advice, lessons (etc) sway away from the typical norm. And that's intentional because if there is one thing I've learned, it is that the most commonly shared advice is actually not very good advice at all. This traditional idea of being a good person is intrinsically linked to being subservient or some kind of people pleaser is nothing further from the truth.
Just as in 30 life lessons from turning 30 the last 10 were about my experience as a woman, the last 10 here are lessons specifically for a young man as we're due to welcome a baby boy very soon. So without further ado…
1. Hard work is important, but hard work alone does not get you anywhere
I know this might be a bit controversial but if hard work alone was enough, there would be millions of people who would have what they want and be where they want to be. The reality is you need to learn how to identify what to work hard on, then prioritise what will deliver the biggest impact and only then work hard on those specific actions. I can go on about this point and elaborate what I mean, but I will leave that for another time. For now, here’s an excerpt from investor and hedge fund manager’s commencement speech, Michael Burry, which hits on what I mean…
"There are many ways to deal with an unfair world. One might drop out, run away, one may get angry, one may fight or one could ultimately do what I did, accept the world for what it is, work hard to exploit the opportunities that it presents and I'm trying to do so in a just manner as possible[…]
Hard work for hard work alone would not do… I committed to educate myself as opportunities arose."
-Michael Burry
2. Having little or no company is better than being around bad company
Protect your personal space as that’s where you get your reserve from to go out in the world and do things. It might be tempting to hang around with people who make you feel bad or who aren’t good company out of loneliness (amongst other agendas) but you’ll be depleting yourself in the long run.
3. Make your own decisions and then trust yourself to be able to handle the consequences, good or bad
Sometime you need to foresee the consequences before you decide how to move forward, other times you need to just focus on the decision at hand and what is right in that moment, regardless of the consequences.
4. Become familiar with what your instincts feel like so you can identify and act on them
And always act on your instincts, even if in the present moment it seems like a silly or bad decision because of the current information available.
5. You can turn any bad decision, experience and consequence around and gain value from it
This is so you mitigate all fear and paralysis from making a decision in the first place because you’re worried about how it might turn out. However it turns out, you’ll be able to handle it.
6. There's no such thing as being permanently stuck
When you’re young it can be hard to see ahead and know there is life after whatever you’re stuck in. But as ageing well should teach you, everything eventually unfolds and moves; unless you keep yourself in one place intentionally, life will always work with you to move you onwards and upwards.
7. Look after yourself, physically, mentally and emotionally
There is so much truth in the saying - how can you look after other people if you first don’t look after yourself? Sacrificing your own health and well being for others is not honourable, it’s foolish. For you to help other people thrive you need to make sure you’re thriving as well.
8. Don't promote your good fortune, but you absolutely must share it - there is a difference
I raised this in Lessons from my mother; there’s no need to go around talking about what you’ve achieved or looking to achieve unless necessary. But you absolutely must use your good fortune to do good for other people and your environment.
9. Be self-sufficient enough to not rely on anyone, but equally know how to accept support and help when needed
Not a balance that is learned easily but an important one to be mindful of. You should be able to navigate and move forward by relying on yourself, but not in a defensive, closed off manner so you don’t know when to join forces with other people.
10. Be quietly confident
When you truly are content within yourself and own your truth, you’ll have no need for showmanship.
11. Sometimes it is important and necessary to put yourself first
Alluding to point seven; you want to put people first to help them and support them. Not so they can take advantage of you. Having a blanket approach to who you put first is completely the wrong way to go about things, you need to assess each situation and person differently to know what is the best action to take.
12. Don't hold grudges… for your own sake
It can take a while to let go, move on and wish people well depending on how something has impacted you. But the most important thing is that you work on yourself to make sure that you do; whether it takes you seven months or seven years. And don't go back to what formed the grudge in the first place either.
13. Don't do more for people than they do for you
Not everyone will have the same heart as you do, will express love, gratitude and connection the way you do. Reciprocate at the level most people are being with you (and hold off doing more for the people that matter).
14. Only share your plans with people who can help you and would want you to achieve them
You should not go around talking about what you are looking to do or achieve, unless you know the people around you are on the same wavelength, understand and have similar goals.
15. Having a different opinion from everyone else does not mean you must be wrong
It’s easy to feel uncertain and insecure if you’re the only person in the room who has a different way at looking at things. You can’t help feeling that way sometimes, but you absolutely must override it and not bend to the majority unless you also absolutely believe in the majority.
16. Distance yourself from people who aren't well wishers
You don't have to force yourself to build relationships with people just because of the circumstances you're in. Don't be rude either, but navigate yourself to maintain distance whilst still being respectful.
17. Don't force yourself to do anything or be anywhere that doesn't make you feel good
Unless it directly relates to what you want to achieve. Although having said that, if you're in a situation where you're not feeling good to achieve something, you may need to question what you're trying to achieve in the first place.
18. Take what I call 'humble pride' in your life and everything you do.
Pride as a vice means you think you're superior to someone or something else and entitled. But my take on 'humble pride' is simply about appreciating and celebrating all that you have and all that you are, without comparison.
19. It's ok to be reactive, as long as it's not destructive.
Life and love are all about living in the moment. When you're too controlled, prim and proper and regimented, it can limit you from enjoying things to the fullest and connecting with other people.
20. Choose long term over short term gratification every time
When it comes to silly things of course seize the moment; have your third ice-cream, buy that outfit, speak your heart out. But there are other things which you do need to be tactful about because they take time to compound and grow. You need to plant your seed today for it to grow into a tree tomorrow. And in the meantime, you can totally do what you want with the bushes and flowers around the tree.
Lessons to my son
21. Lead from behind.
Or as one of my favourite anonymous quote goes:
“Leadership is living a life worth being followed”
When you’re leading with purpose there is no desperate need to be seen, validated or admired. Because your focus is on the purpose and not on the outcome you are selfishly looking to gain. If you lead with purpose, authenticity and values, I can assure you the validation and admiration will follow because so few people actually lead that way.
22. Keep your ego in check
Having an ego can be attractive, and dare I add, in particularly for a man. But what’s not attractive is a reckless, self absorbed ego as opposed to a disciplined one which is aligned to a purpose. And on that note…
23. Be disciplined
Maybe this is just me, but I think discipline is also such an attractive quality in a man. Discipline - not mindless stubbornness or dogmatism. There is a difference which often people misappropriate.
24. Find a purpose
You can be fickle about the small things; not sure what to have for lunch? Going backwards and forwards on which shirt to wear? Changed your mind about taking that swimming class? Fine. But don’t be fickle about the big things that make up the foundation of your life; your religious beliefs (if any), finances, career etc.
25. Be conscious of your character
Boy is this a dying concept in the 21st century. It truly is a traditional way of thinking about yourself. Here’s the thing, if you’re looking just to get ahead then by all means take the shortcuts. But if you’re looking to make an impact and be remembered (well), who you are speaks louder than what you are doing.
26. Have integrity
Like with character, I’ll be damned if you find enough men who were ever conscious of the concept of integrity let alone actually living it. Integrity, values and character do not equate to being impoverished as Historically people make it out to be (e.g. you know the idea that impoverished people are noble and true, affluent people are vindictive and selfish). You can be a well rounded man, with morals and values, and still be successful.
27. Build for your future
Whilst it’s important to live in the moment, everything is ultimately about tomorrow. There are many people who don’t think that way and take things as they come. And there is nothing wrong with that at all. But there are some things which will require forward planning and it’s foolish to ignore that and not act upon it.
28. Be present
A distracted man is a dangerous man. In its worst form, the masculine psyche has the ability to be destructive and oppressive (you only have to look at our world leaders and throughout History how men have treated women to know that). It’s also the part of the psyche which is attractive, so we don’t want to suppress anything or turn men into women, or women into men. But instead redirect that energy to do good.
29. One woman represents all women
It’s common for a certain class of men to think they will be ‘different’ towards the woman they choose to settle down with and therefore all other women before her aren’t ‘entitled’ to be treated in the same way. It is true you will, and should, do things for your partner that you wouldn’t for someone you were just dating. But the basics such as respect, consideration, attention, love and compassion should not fluctuate. How you treat one woman is a reflection of how you will eventually treat all the others whether it’s your mother, sister, lover, one night-stand, colleague or spouse.
30. Yes it might be the year 2021 (or ‘51 by the time you’re 30 years old), but I still expect you to be the main provider and breadwinner for your partner
This is another loaded one which needs unpacking. In a nutshell, it’s not implying to strip a woman of working, contributing or any kind of independence. But instead implying that having roles in a relationship is important, both for chemistry and practicality. And as my son, I’ll be damned if you think it’s acceptable to live off someone else.