In case it wasn’t obvious from some of my previous posts (e.g. 30 life lessons from turning 30, Lessons from my mother, Lessons to my children), I’m a fairly self reflective woman. I spent a lot of my time in my twenties on self reflection but that wasn’t intentional, it kind of just worked out that way. As such, by the time I got to 30 I felt like I entered a new era. Not because of turning 30 per se, but because I genuinely did feel different from when I was in my 20s and I most certainly was different from who I used to be.

And so, one afternoon as I crossed paths with a Pakistani woman, something moved within me, ever so gently. It was unnerving. I found myself feeling unsettled but by no small feat. This was the start of a new, and pretty serious, realisation. The best way I can describe it is by what writer Anaïs Nin once said:

“There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic.”

This woman I met was wonderful and this realisation had nothing to do with her per se, but what I thought she represented. Confused? I was too.

I spent one evening pondering over my reaction after our encounter, trying to work out what had triggered within me. But then I moved swiftly on knowing this is something I am going to have to leave alone and let unfold in its own time. And so as the weeks and months passed, there would be further triggers, reminding me of this mystery that’s still unsolved within me. But I still hadn’t got very far with articulating it. Actually that’s a lie. I could articulate it in its most raw, unfiltered, direct form, but not so much insightfully. 

So what is this seemingly pointless preamble about? It’s about questioning what makes up a brown woman’s identity. Or I should be more precise and refer to it as my own identity as a brown woman, and those who may be like me, because of course (and thankfully) not everyone is the same. Though all of our identities are constructed from a mixture of our surroundings, our interpretations and what’s innate, there is a wide range of categories and possibilities this can resort to. 

What's more, the world seems to forget they have treated and seen women the same everywhere, no matter what country, religion or race they are from. The containment of women is not limited to the South Asian / Pakistani / Muslim culture as the world likes to believe (a big emphasis on Muslim ‘culture’ containing women, and not Islam because it is not the religion that contains women but the people who created the culture around it). There is a traditional, and widespread, narrative around women needing to be well behaved, quiet, agreeable (or skillfully diplomatic if not) have lesser desires and even less agency to act on them. And above all else, to wait until marriage to start living their life and fulfilling these desires. 

And I'm not actually here to overthrow these ideas per se. I can see the intention behind the sentiment of women needing to be a certain way (how it actually unfolds in practice is a different matter.) Meaning, there are clear attributes which make up a high value woman - and man. There is such thing as being elevated. However, in Culture’s attempt to produce an alleged high value woman, it really ends up suppressing and oppressing young girls.

I can also see the intention behind the sentiment to wait until marriage before you start ‘living’ your life and fulfilling your desires (again, how it actually unfolds in practice is a different matter.) That is not to say I agree with this, if anything as I’ve grown I cannot emphasise enough how important it is for every woman to have her own finances, her own goals and a handle on her own life. 

However, often women who preach about not waiting until marriage to do what they want (and women who continue to talk about independence even after marriage) are women who come from privileged backgrounds who had an education, live in politically free countries, have access to finances and have the choice to work and socialise, should they wish. There’s a failure to understand and sympathise with the women (and men) who marry for all sorts of circumstantial reasons, circumstances out of their control, be it even for something critical, yet basic, such as survival.

The case of a certain kind of brown man also needs to be made here; the kind who has two lives, one before marriage and one after. The kind of man who did what he pleased when he was single, but when it came to marriage he was looking for a woman who would be a good wife, a good mother and a good daughter-in-law. He wouldn’t care to see her as his lover, someone with whom he could be passionate with or still live a full life with because, well, you know…he did all of those things with other women, or even pursued them himself, and he’s now ‘over’ it. He’s now ready to settle, be more serious and manage responsibilities which didn’t weigh as heavily on him before as they do now that he is married.

In which case, if you raise your sons to live freely and your daughter’s more cautiously, exactly what kind of dynamic are you expecting them to have after marriage? One who has exhausted his desires coupled with one who barely managed to alight any of hers?

But then on the flipside, you have a woman who did live freely before marriage and then is forced to step-change and live differently after marriage.

And then there is the scenario of the man who lived freely before marriage and continues to do so after marriage, with no sense of responsibility or accountability towards his wife and the new life he is building with her.

The imbalanced scenarios are endless.

It is unfair to assume this issue is just to do with men - or women - ‘getting things out of their system’ as the toxic saying goes (most commonly referring to, and protecting men, from taking accountability and responsibility for their actions). For some that may be the case, but there are many others who don’t view their life as ‘before’ or ‘after’ marriage. For some, their desires and aspirations are constant, irrespective of their relationship status because that’s just who they are and there is no ‘switch’ to suddenly make you become one kind of person over the other. I’m inclined to say this ‘switch’ is unique to the South Asian community (though of course that is not the case). It is the South Asian community who has set their children up to be this way because of the notorious unequal ways boys and girls are expected to be from a young age. 

I found it disconcerting the amount of young South Asians I would come across who would date and get into relationships with all kinds of people from all kinds of backgrounds, other than their own. This wasn’t disconcerting because there is anything wrong with building connections with different people, but because this happens largely due to those people being disconnected from their own culture and they don’t know how to see the plight and desires of their own men and women, convoluted desires and plights which have been inherited from their ancestors, as well the community they grew up in, all of which have shaped them to be the way they are with all that emotional baggage, which the opposing party who is looking for an easier experience is trying to avoid. 

Every brown girl’s identity is built from the social constructs of her culture; whether she is abiding by them, rebelling against them or oblivious to them. All ways of life unfold as a byproduct of relating to these predispositions.

I was, and am, a slow burner in many, many things. That’s not to say time wasn’t ever a factor, I think that’s drilled into all of us from a very young age. But I wanted to feel my way into things when I felt it was right for me. Additionally, deep, deep down I had idealistic notions. And idealistic notions take time to materialise. However, I also challenged them and told myself otherwise because also deep, deep down I thought maybe life doesn’t work that way. People are quick to laugh and shun people’s desires as if it is something that only happens in the movies. And back then I hadn’t learned how to believe in my desires as I do now.

I didn’t think getting older, or entering new life phases like getting married or having children, would change any of these passions, desires and drive to live and pursue. I - naively upon reflection - thought I’m reserved and a slow burner, which must simply mean I can live and pursue these passions, desires and drives even as I age and as circumstances change. 

In similar fashion, I came across an Iranian woman of thirty-three years old who had been married for five years. She shared with me how if it was up to her, she would try for children in the next five years or so. Whereas she was experiencing a lot of pressure from her in-laws, her own family and her own husband to start trying for a child soon.

To clarify, my point here isn’t to say time is ticking and everyone should race against the clock. But instead, it's reflecting on how seemingly small and harmless ideas and ways of life can end up shaping your whole lifetime. Some of us may grow to realise who you innately are as a person, does not coincide with what you were exposed to and the only path you thought you had to take at that point in time.

Why did I think I had to be a certain way when I was younger? Why did I think it didn’t matter if I didn’t do, or experience, whatever it was I desired, thinking there is no rush and I have my whole life ahead of me for that? And why did I think I would be able to continue pursuing and desiring the things I already was. And as it transpires, this sparked some further unsettling questions. Questions such as:

Did I really always want to have what I have, or was that something that was conditioned into me? Did I really always think I’d want to build and maintain relationships, and be diplomatic, or was that conditioned into me? Are these really my own values, or are they what were passed down to me? Did I really believe I would be able to make certain sacrifices, or would even want to in the first place, or was that expected of me? Did I really think I had to adopt a certain set of traits in order to grow into a respectable brown woman, or was that taught to me?

And I want to highlight here the term 'respectable brown woman'. 

What’s becoming acceptable within communities is changing. Up until the last decade things were relatively constant and familiar. And within the last decade there has been a slow, yet quick, upheaval of these same expectations. Largely thanks to technology and the coming of age of second generation British-Pakistanis (and British South Asians at large). 

Meaning, what would've seemed to be shocking ten years ago, really isn't now. When I look at the previous generation, they were fulfilling obligations and making sacrifices at their own expense to keep families together. It should be noteworthy, this obviously isn’t the case for every first generation British-Pakistani family. A part of uprooting from your country to build a home in another, was to escape some of these burdensome traditions which some Pakistani families did do. 

But as a woman whose lineage is rooted in these Pakistani women that came before me, those women limited and killed off their desires, and even their instincts, for what was allegedly the greater good and what was deemed to be respectable. When you are living in that moment, and that is all you've known, it takes some time (if ever) to realise that may not be the case. I’ll be the first to say I believe in the ‘greater good’ but only when it is aligned with your own values and sense of purpose, not when you are bending towards people’s fickle demands. 

I'll be lying if I didn't secretly wish I'd be the exception considering I was kick starting the next generation. But talking to that Pakistani woman highlighted how many of these beliefs were implicitly within me which dictated much of my decision making, reactions and handling of certain situations. I guess you can say I became aware of my generational trauma, the trauma of the women from my linage who felt unseen, unheard and their desires and overall existence rendered worthless other than for acts of service.

How many times have you heard a brown woman labeled to be selfish when she wants to do something for herself? Labelled by other women, not even just men; called selfish when she wants to leave her unhappy marriage? Selfish when she wants to re-marry? Selfish when she wants to pursue her own career? Selfish when she doesn’t want to have children? Unbecoming if she directly voices her preferences or rejects yours? Unbecoming if she is too outgoing? Selfish and unbecoming when she wants to make any kind of choice which isn’t approved or favoured by the people she is connected to and supposed to be serving?

I guess you can say I'm at the cusp of the next generation; the transition between the generation who were suppressed and the generation who hopefully won't be. Being in limbo doesn’t feel as opportunistic as you think it might be.

To be respected and thought highly of are actually very difficult attributes to attain. It's not like earning money where with some hustling you can build a financial empire. Nor do the two go hand-in-hand (as we all know, there are plenty of affluent people who aren't respected). It can't be attained by doing anything per se.

Respect truly is a by-product of character which is why it's not so commonly found. And by respect I don't mean liking someone and thinking they're a nice person. Or trying to be liked and being a nice person. But I mean actually admiring them, thinking highly of them. Even if you don’t like or agree with them.

Being respected comes from being authentic, not shying away from hardship and compassionately managing conflict, having values which are true to who you are and then having the courage to live by them, act on them, no matter the circumstances. It comes from how you treat others and ultimately it’s about being congruent and having purpose. It’s about doing things with fairness, love and compassion but contrary to what people believe, love and compassion don’t imply being a pushover or avoiding difficulty.

The brown community (and many other global communities at large) have done their best to enforce the idea of what's respectable with what are more tangible, and often toxic, attributes such as: acts of service, celibacy, silence, sacrifice, putting yourself second (or last - even better). It should be noteworthy that there is nothing wrong with these attributes per se, they are all noble and worth acting on depending on the context. But in question is how they are defined and used to control, limit and influence women. 

What’s more, these ideals filter down to the modern day youth so you have brown men and women who start policing and judging their own people, instead of supporting them, based on these cultural constructs.  

I met up for lunch once again with that Pakistani woman. She shared with me the struggles and judgements she faced with the choices she made in her life, choices which didn’t coincide with what was accepted and expected of a brown woman. However, they were her choices. They led her to do things differently, at a different pace and against a different timeline, which meant she herself struggled at times, but is now really content with what she pursued because it was true to who she was. I admired her and felt sympathy for her at the same time.

Living life on your terms isn’t a privilege bestowed to every brown woman; some aren’t strong enough to hold out, others don’t know how and many don't have the luxury. And in all fairness, there are many other variables at play such as finance, health, and yes dare I say even… kismet. 

I looked up from my coffee and pensievely stared at her; ‘well’ I finally said, 'at least we now have a better understanding of what to pass on to our sons and daughters’.’    

Life Lessons