I think for a woman, life only gets better after 30.

- Marella Agnelli

I turned 30 last year and contrary to how maybe the world thinks I should have been feeling, I wasn't at all worried about ageing, nor did I have any anxiety about what I had accomplished (maybe get back to me on that after the next 10 years!) I have my goals sure, but I never pressurised myself to achieve them by a specific age because I always knew that would be completely counter productive for the kind of woman that I am.

However, what I did experience was the change of energy. People were right after all, your body really does change when you hit your 30s. I found myself getting exhausted at having to juggle work, home and everything else that fell in between. Five months before I turned 30 I even had my first ever panic attack and starting suffering from anxiety (not fun). To cut a long story short, the year I turned 30 was a biological adjustment but when it came close to turning 31, I felt back to my normal self again. My friend echoed similarly how ‘31 feels so much better than 30’.

One thing is for sure, I definitely fit the bill when people say you come into your own in your 30s. There's nothing wrong if you don’t, but I most definitely did. After a very intense former decade, I felt so different when I turned 30. I felt different in my body, more settled and aligned with who I really was underneath all the previous clutter.

My biggest (and most painful) transformation came from the last five years of my life, from the ages of 25 - 30. And it bought with it lessons and realisations that changed my life…. quite literally, not metaphorically. Though this is just the tip of the iceberg, here were the top 30 mini epiphanies….

1. Never blindly take advice but always make informed decisions

Most people's advice is based on their own insecurities and limited perspectives. And most people give advice to validate their own opinion, not because it actually is good advice. There's nothing wrong with listening to your surroundings, but you should collate the insights and then ultimately go with what you feel is right.

2. Someone else’s truth doesn’t have to be your truth

Just because something is wrong for someone else, doesn’t mean it’s going to be wrong for you, and vice versa. You shouldn’t be living by the beliefs of how someone else thinks the world works. Life is about finding people who love, support and respect you for who you are (and who you want to be).

3. Nobody else knows better. They're all making it up as they go along hoping it works out too

This was an eye opener and I still stand by it strongly. When working with and observing other people, I quickly learned that nobody really has the answers. When I was younger I used to think somebody did. The people who are rewarded to lead aren't done so because they know something everyone else doesn't, they're rewarded for initiating ideas around what the answers could be, and then having the courage to pursue them.

4. Just because there isn't a solution right now, doesn't mean you won't find, or create one

The world was flat once. Pluto used to be a planet and the mind and body were believed to operate separately. And then we all learned otherwise. If you have vision and ambition, chances are you’ll see things that nobody else does. Your job isn’t to fall prey to the naysayers, but to be secure enough in your own conviction to not even be mildly effected by the opposition. Once something becomes your truth, it no longer takes up mental space. After all, you don’t wake up every morning reminding yourself what your name is now do you.

5. Only focus on the things you like and care about  

Aren't we told to strengthen our weaknesses? Unless that weakness is tied to a goal you want to achieve, it’s so important that we spend our time on things that we like and want to pursue. Even if you're working on things you dislike, being aware of what you do like about them compound further down the line to make space for you to be where you want to be, not where you think you have to be.

6. There are no absolutes; you absolutely can make things up as you go along

I’m an opportunist. Every time someone tells me something can’t be done, I literally think - but why not? The time and energy you spend on reinforcing the current rules (rules which were probably written by that person giving out free advice) you can spend that time and energy looking for ways to do it. It honestly is the same amount of effort. Maybe even more fun.

7. Refresh and reinvent yourself regularly 

There’s nothing more disappointing than living a life that didn’t evolve, grow and advance with lessons learned from experience. If you find yourself having the same repeated experiences with the same kinds of people, it would be because there’s something that you haven’t yet learned or changed about yourself.

8. Having clear values is critical to not becoming someone you don’t want to be

Suffice to say, in today’s climate having strong values is not very high on people’s list. But have you ever felt conflicted? When your feelings aren’t aligned with your thoughts, and your thoughts aren’t aligned with your actions, you’re going to be battling some serious internal conflict because you’re being incongruent. There isn't a quick fix to this, but being clear on what you value helps determine the decisions you make and how you choose to react. Otherwise it’s very easy to blindly make reckless choices. To clarify, making reckless choices per se isn’t a bad thing if that was true for you at that point in time (and it only seems reckless in retrospect) but to make a reckless choice simply because you have no internal guidance system is a pitfall you can avoid.

9. Once you become someone you don’t want to be, it’s never too late to rebuild yourself

It floors me how many people think that it’s too late for them to do something (40, 50, 60 years old - so what?) but also how many people think that they have little to no control over who they are and the way they are. I’m not denying that there are many things that are difficult to change, but beyond the hardwired genetics which are very, very few (the colour of your skin, hair and eyes… and even those modern cosmetics can take a crack at adjusting) everything else is self-perpetuated. Changing a lifetime of habits, beliefs and conditioning is excruciating painful, but by no means impossible. But blaming your age or circumstances for at least not trying to change means you’re not even trying to take a chance on yourself.

10. The grass is the same everywhere. Depends how you sow and reap

It’s wonderful to be inspired and motivated by other people, but there’s no need to be threatened by them or be in competition. When you’re busy focusing on your life, who has the energy to be flustered by someone else’s?

11. Fate is real. No matter how hard you try some things may just never happen for you. That’s humbling

I used to think fate was for passive, apathetic people. But over time I learned that there are some things that you truly can’t direct. I haven’t ever been controlling; I like planning but equally like experiencing the newness of situations when things take a different turn. But I always resented dogmatism and the idea of things being predestined (just in case they end up being predestined unfavourably of course). However, that lack of control shouldn’t ever lead back into apathy or passive behaviour, but help you trust the new territory it’s leading you to.

12. Always redirect when you feel it's not happening for you. That’s empowering

Either when life reroutes you or you’re forced to reroute yourself, as cheesy as it sounds, I can assure you it’s because you’re meant to be there for a reason. Notice that I didn’t say you’re meant to be there because it will be better than what you wanted; whilst that can very well be the case, the truth of the matter is finding yourself in unsavoury positions sometimes really and truly is for other people’s benefits - not yours. Your life might get rerouted away from what you truly desire, only to take you somewhere or to someone who desperately needs what you have to offer to help them materialise their desires.

13. There needs to be an element of uncertainty for great things to happen

We don’t know what we don’t know. Our list of desires are built on (the very little amount of information) that we do know. If you planned everything down to the tee, how could you ever allow for something much greater than what you planned (and could have ever envisioned) to enter your life?

14. Great things aren't just the big things

When people talk about their life, their achievements and their Love, they talk about the key turning points and the big events that led them to where they are. It is the big events that are interesting to know about. But this often paints a skewed picture of what it actually took to get there because in reality, there is no glamour in meaningful success. 

Big events or key turning points don’t just happen overnight or to the lucky few. Nor are they only hidden in a once in a lifetime opportunity, they are the by-product of everyday living. Everybody talks about how they handled the big moments but few talk about how they managed themselves on a day to day basis when it’s the everyday living and decision making that can wear you down but ultimately add up to bring forth those big moments.

15. There's no glamour in meaningful and sustainable success 

There are glamorous moments for sure, but only those who have been working tirelessly towards something know the blood, sweat and tears that went into achieving their success. That overnight success was probably 20 odd years in the making.

16. Your feelings are there to guide you, not trick you

If something, someone, gives you a bad vibe, listen to yourself. But in the process don't judge the person or situation to be inherently bad. Bad for you doesn't mean bad for other people. 

17. When you change, the things around you change

Though we get told this our whole lives, I had to experience it over the last decade to realise just how much truth there is in this statement. When you change how you choose to relate to things, what you get back also changes.

18. What you resent is secretly telling you about what you lack 

Majority of the time resentment surfaces because it’s triggering something in you that you think you’re lacking, and being resentful and angry is much easier than being honest and vulnerable about what the resentment is really about.

19. Don’t suppress how you feel but don't let it stop you from doing what you want to do either

What holds us back and causes us to freeze is never fear, we’re not scared how an event will unfold, we’re scared that we don't trust ourselves enough to handle it when it does.

20. You don't have to agree with someone else's life choices in order to respect, appreciate and support them

Ultimately this is what Love looks like. Just because someone isn’t marching to the beat of your drum, doesn’t mean you can’t still love and support them in the decisions that they’re making in their life. Even if you disagree with them, it’s their bed, let them make it. And then if they don’t want to sleep in it, let compassion enable you to let them sleep in yours.

And this last stretch is specifically around the experience of being a woman….

21. Your body knows better than your mind

For the first half of my life I completely ignored my body. When you live in a patriarchal society, it is only the analytical mind that is valued. Thankfully I learned better. I learned that my body can be just as smart, if not smarter, than my mind because it’s ahead of your mind. Where your mind might need time to process things and as a result takes into account the present day logic and rationale, your instincts flare up in your body instantly which are beyond all logic and rationale. It knows before your mind does. A caveat, your instincts and emotions are two separate things; your emotions are your reactions to your experiences and they fluctuate constantly. Your instincts on the other hand are constant and your objective truth. And when the body and the mind work together, fully aligned and congruent, well that’s what fairytales are made of.

22. You have every right to feel how you do about whatever you're feeling 

In a world that likes to remind us what is socially acceptable, as women we may belittle our own reactions, problems and traumas. If every one else thinks we’re overreacting, then we tell ourselves maybe we are. Though it’s important to keep things in perspective and practice gratitude, it’s equally important you don’t undermine how you feel. And sure as hell don’t let someone else tell you what you ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ be feeling.

This need to announce how you’re feeling or thinking stems from whether you feel fully seen or not. When you learn how to see yourself, you no longer need to persuade other people to see you, the right people do so without your effort but that's also because you're no longer trying and are instead just ‘being’, so there is no gap between how you're feeling and how you're being which then creates the opportunity for people to see you. You are in sync.

 At some point in our lives we all think other people are overreacting to what we’re doing...until someone else does the exact same thing to us.

23. Build a personal relationship with your sexuality

My God. When I started connecting with mine, I could see clear as day how incredibly convoluted so many people’s sexuality was. It truly is the lifeblood of your well being and identity. And it is the most damaged, violated, mismanaged and overlooked part of ourselves. Sexuality has nothing to do with how you look or with having sex (or anything else that's portrayed in the media for that matter). Those are executional actions; how you look and having sex are ways to channel your sexuality (and should absolutely be enjoyed) but it’s so important to also build a personal and healthy relationship with it yourself. Otherwise all you’ll end up with is a whole lot of empty and depressive state of affairs (at best). How you reconnect with your sexuality is a story for another time.

24. Be open to what makes you feel good

A famous stylist, Nausheen Shah, once said ‘If something made me feel good in the moment, I’d say yes’. All too often we can fall victim to over planning our future and over analysing what might be right or wrong for us. When the reality is, by saying yes to small things that make you feel good and turning away from those that don’t, lead us to build joyful and fulfilled lives. However, when it comes to the big things there is a different law at play. Just because you enjoy something doesn't mean it's purposeful. Hedonism is essentially meaningless, hence why it's pleasurable, it doesn't need a purpose. Purpose on the other hand, can be uncomfortable. When you act out of pleasure, it may lead to nothing. When you act with purpose, it may lead to discomfort.

25. Express how you feel without lashing out, moaning or competing. Admitting you’re hurt is more powerful than assigning blame

…it’s also more difficult to do than blame. By projecting our anger instead of our hurt, we keep our pride in tact and keep our hearts guarded (and suffocated might I add). If life and Love are about feeling connected to people, you can’t feel connected if you’re guarded. You can’t feel connected if you’re busy building yourself up to be self sufficient. I mean… build yourself up so you know how to clothe and feed yourself (obviously) but not so you (pretend to be) untouchable.

Amidst all the hustle and bustle of a city, the façade, the pretence and guards of people, I learned what ‘real’ felt like and why it’s important. It’s when you feel grounded. You feel comfortable in your skin. You feel deeply connected to people and above all, you feel deeply connected to yourself even within your relationships. After all, how can you give all of yourself to someone if you don’t even know how to admit to yourself how you feel.

26. Being strong is about doing the hard things without closing or hardening

You know those conversations we don’t want to have? The things that we’re putting off, opinions we’re hiding and decisions we’re avoiding because it will make us reaaaaally uncomfortable. Well being strong is about doing all of that hard stuff but with an open heart. And allowing your heart to feel how hard it is without shutting down and disconnecting from the subject.

27. Being independent is about maintaining a strong sense of self whilst you’re being dependent 

When it comes to relationships, ‘being in a partnership’ is trending. I’m not sure what that means. If it’s splitting everything 50/50, I’ll be the first to say that I never wanted that. I wanted a lover not a business partnership. However, if it means taking turns to support each other then I’m totally behind it. But often you’ll find that’s not at all how people define independence. Being in a 50/50 relationship keeps you safe, it allows you to experience the benefits of a relationship without fully committing to it (in particularly emotionally) and therefore putting you in the perfect position to flee when you want to, leaving unscathed.

I’ll skip over the relationship talk and just summarise by saying that independence isn’t about being detached or going at it alone. It’s about maintaining a strong sense of self whilst you’re attached. It's about knowing when to be independent and dependent so you are able to shift between both states when necessary. Usually for the sake of creating more Love and chemistry.

28. Being feminine is to do with listening to your heart and body

This is a very loaded topic and a hard statement to summarise shortly. Of course the beauty of being feminine is about all the superficial aspects (appearance, behaviour, beautifying yourself etc) but again those are just channels of expressing femininity at the very surface level, and not really femininity itself. Ever seen a beautiful woman but not been attracted to her? This would be why. There is a lot more to femininity than the superficial aspect. Though that’s important to create attraction, to go beyond this and have chemistry + connection is a different ball game completely. It’s heartbreaking how many young girls I came across who were struggling with their identity in this regard, and thought wearing make up or buying dresses would solve their problems.

At its core, deep, highly evolved femininity isn’t about wearing dresses and skirts, acting girly or fragile or being dainty, it’s about listening to your heart and body, honouring and respecting your emotions and being open to what makes you feel good.

And beauty isn’t just about appearances; It’s about having a healthy relationship with your assets and your flaws, loving the good and bad parts of yourself, and combining them together to love all of you, so you can give the very best of you.

29. Be kind to yourself 

I read somewhere that you should be kind to your body because it’s carrying your life’s History. Nothing sounded sweeter or truer. In a world that's filled with cynicism, drama, threats of misfortune, the illusion of lack, hierarchy, patriarchy, female disempowerment and empowerment, be kind to yourself.

30. Love 

Once over breakfast my former CEO asked me what my values were (well there you go, some people at the top do operate on values even if everyone below them doesn’t). And I said one of them was Love; to make decisions with love. And before he could respond I added that I knew it might sound silly. He paused, looked at me very seriously and replied ‘No I don’t think that’s silly at all. I think that shows you care’. When you do things and love people fully and wholeheartedly, it shows.

There’s nothing more authentic, trusting, attractive and sexy than showing that you care. Even in the workplace. In fact, especially in a heavily male dominated workplace.

Love. With or without having an object of affection. You don’t need a reason.

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